It’s so hard to know where to start with posts like this. I have so many thoughts and things I want to share, but it’s impossible to capture them perfectly and put them in this post. So, bear with me here, while I do my best to share our experience with the MAIN goal of offering somewhere to reach out if you or someone you know are experiencing something similar (or have in the past and want to chat about it)
I anxiously went into our almost 9 week ultrasound last week, alone, due to the Covid restrictions. I had been feeling nauseous and super tired (great! that usually means things are on track) but I was nervous, because we’ve been to ultrasounds before (twice actually) where things were not looking the way they should. After about a minute or so being in room with the tech, my fears were confirmed. Things were not as they should be (although the tech of course never tells you that, I was just going based on her reaction to a couple questions I strategically asked).
While I still needed to wait for the midwife to call and officially confirm, I already knew… there was no heart beat. Our little babe, and Raeleigh’s little brother or sister, had joined our other two angel babies.
I was a wreck. I had so many thoughts… and let me tell you I had a real pity party. I couldn’t believe it. How could this happen, NOW? With all the other things happening in the world, why is this happening to us. Again? This the third time. Why do we have to experience this over and over again, when people can have babies without even TRYING…. I know. Petty, right? But that’s the honest truth of just a few of the things going through my mind.
It’s such a taboo topic, miscarriage/infertility. Although I will say I feel like it’s becoming more and more common and I am so grateful for that. We had our first loss back when we lived in BC, and I feel like the difference in people sharing experiences about loss/infertility now vs then are VERY different. I share a little more about our earlier journey in my post here if you’re interested.
Anyway, part of the reason I choose to be so open about our losses is because I could not BELIEVE the response I got when I first started sharing about what we were going through. Pretty much every person I mentioned it to either replied with ‘I’ve had a miscarriage as well’, or ‘My sister/cousin/ best friend had a miscarriage’. In my opinion it is WAY more common than the 1 in 4 stat we’re given. When I did my first post (the one I tagged above) about our first losses before having Raeleigh, I could not believe the response I got. SO. Many. people reached out to me saying my story made them feel less alone, gave them hope they, too would have a happy ending, gave them some good tips and resources to look into etc etc. It connected me to many people I otherwise never would have connected with and I am SO grateful for that. It brings us all together.
So again, here I am sharing another part of our journey. I do know that this is happening for a reason, just like with our first two. If we didn’t have those losses, we never would have ended up with Raeleigh and she is the absolute BEST thing EVER. So for whatever reason, the poor little angel babe I carried for 9 weeks wasn’t meant to be ours.
I am also trying to remind myself it is all a matter of perspective as well. I absolutely have allowed myself some pity party time, for sure! Extra sleep ins, eating not the healthiest food options if I feel like it, maybeeeee a few bevies (wine, beer, cider, anddd ooooo the margaritassss!). But it could ALWAYS be worse. Always.
Just today, I was speaking with a family member whose husband had a mountain biking accident (just before Christmas) that ended in spinal trauma. He lost all movement and sensation below his belly button. He is just now transitioning from hospital to home moving forward with his new way of life in a wheelchair. I can not IMAGINE.
And another friend of mine’s husband is a paramedic. So he’s staying in a hotel (for Lord knows how long) because they have a toddler at home and he doesn’t want to get the little one (or his wife) sick. So this friend of mine is at home, missing her husband, bein a single mama and trying to explain to her little one why she can’t see Daddy. Tough. Tough stuff.
So I’ve been working on some positives on my end here. You know, the silver lining. There are a ton… but here are a few of my faves.
– We get to spend more 1 on 1 time with Raeleigh (before a sibling hopefully comes along). She’s in such an amazing phase right now and honestly it’s so much fun
– She’ll be a little older (obvi) when we eventually (hopefully) give her a sibling.. so she’ll understand a little more and maybe even get to ‘help’ with baby!
– I get to work on my ‘beach bod’ the next couple months in isolation. I mean, the baby bod is super amazing and fun, but I could go for a six pack for the summer (to strut my stuff alone, in the yard haha)
– Maybe I’ll get lucky and line up a pregnancy with my sis or sis in law!?
– Three words…. FREE WINE DELIVERY. HELL YES!!!!! This might be my FAVE silver lining! Because of Covid, a lot of our local wineries are offering free delivery (NO minimum purchase)
– I know there are a ton that I’m missing but those are just a couple of my faves
Anyone that knows me knows I am a pretty positive person most of the time, and when I’m down, I don’t stay down long. Even just putting some of my thoughts down to blog about really takes some of the weight off. I HATE not being able to shake the gloomy, sad feeling. But I know I will as soon as I’m ready, and we’ll move along (but never forget)
I KNOW there are a million reasons why we are SO blessed and I remind myself of those several times each day. If you can relate to anything I’ve shared about – please please reach out – I would love to hear your story. As I mentioned. I’ve traded experiences with so many women now that I maybe never would have come to know if it weren’t for what we’ve been going through. Pregnancy loss/infertility is a really tough thing to deal with, but know that you are never alone.
As I mentioned when I did my first post about our journey… I don’t share our story so people feel sorry for us. We’ve had more than enough sympathy (and we’re so grateful for that) but that’s not what I’m after here. If this post (or my previous one) helps ONE person get through their toughest times, then it has served its purpose.
Thank you for reading … I truly appreciate the support on this little blog of mine. And I promise, the next post will be more uplifting and full of life! (and probably a recipe or killer workout)
PS. I forgot to add a MASSIVE thank you to all of those who have been SO kind to us in this extra tough time. It’s a tough time to be helpful and thoughtful when we’re not allowed to see each other. But the number of porch deliveries (and tears from the livingroom window) are truly incredible. My family and friends are the most wonderful people. And poor Greg… not only has to deal with an ever changing business model due to Covid, and the loss as well, but also with a CRAZY emotional wife right now, and he’s taking it like a champ. I love you <3